my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
