there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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