i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
