i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
