I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
