I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
