i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
