Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
