i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
they're like a gay fantastic four
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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