You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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