mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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