Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
