I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
