I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
