i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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