Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
