It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
