Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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