What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
