I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize