Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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