As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
