What did we do last night that was yellow?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
