take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
