I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
