I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
