Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
