im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think your dad took our porno
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
