OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
