Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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