First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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