I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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