I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
