remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
