apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
