No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
