Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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