Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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