I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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