Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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