my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
