I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How's work?
Spinning.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
