oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
