and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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