I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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