a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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