I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
