I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
