I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
