The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
look no pants
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
