My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
