New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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