I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
