No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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