Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
