My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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