ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
