theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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